A day in the life of the "Baby"

***all times stated herein are subject to change based upon the whims of the Baby.

8:00 am: wake up, grin, talk to self, turn on mobile of birdies, play in crib for 2-15 minutes, grin, be removed from crib, have diaper changed - scowl or otherwise complain, change out of jammies into "walking around clothes, roll or leap from changing table like small chubby daredevil into arms of waiting (or sometimes sleepy and surprised)parent, grin.

8:25 am: be carried down stairs, point at microwave, point at Daddy, say "Da daaaa!" excitedly, point and smile while waving hello at Mini or Meeko, make sign for milk, whimper for the 5 seconds it takes between having bib put on and having bottle inserted to mouth, lovingly gulp down bottle while holding something-anything in hands (refuse to hold own bottle).

8:35 am: burp, squiggle out of arms of mother, walk around coffee table inspecting various items, motion to be put up on couch, slide down off couch, motion to be put up on recliner, inspect items on end table, slide down off recliner, grin enthusiastically at cute baby in the mirror saying "Baby!," play with various toys, toddle like drunken sailor into kitchen and slurp down copious amounts of morning smoothie, spit last mouthful of smoothie (made with all matters that stain,) grin.

9:15 am: eat 3-4 brown and serve sausage links and one sick of string cheese ("chs chs"), drink water from straw-cup, drop cup on floor (repeat times four), continue to stuff handfuls of food in mouth as if haven't eaten in two weeks, cough because multitudes of sausage pieces in mouth, drink water from cup, drop cup on floor, look at Meeko eating treasures rained from above in the form of meat and cheese, throw remaining pieces of food across the kitchen at velocity of semi-automatic weapon when done eating, make sign for "all done."

9:30 am: play with various toys, beat drum or xylophone, babble, look at cute baby in mirror, shake maracas, walk to stairs, loiter about stairs going up and down first 5 stairs repeatedly, shut baby gate on stairs, ask for "help" to open baby gate, shut baby gate (repeat cycle 4-5 times), smile, crawl upstairs, babble, have diaper changed - cry dramatically at the trauma of having diaper changed, walk to bonus room and push open doors like ole John Wayne, play with toys in bonus room.

10:20 am: get sleepy, suck thumb, watch Little Einsteins or Baby Mozart, hug sheepy, suck thumb.

10:40 am: check diaper - change if necessary (with associated disgruntlement), read two books, jab with pudgy index finger at the moon on every page of Goodnight Gorilla, be placed on crib on sheepy, pitch all items (except sheepy) out of crib, turn on birdie mobile in crib, go to sleep on sheepy.

12:30 pm: wake up, squawk loudly (perhaps because pooping), play in crib, babble to self, grin, have stinky diaper changed with much drama, attempt to roll away while having stinky diaper changed (repeat times three), roll off changing table, grin, go downstairs, have bottle of milk, refuse to hold own bottle.

12:45 pm: look at the cute baby in the mirror saying "Baby!,", beat on the mirror shrieking with glee, play with various toys, toddle to the stairs, climb up the first four stairs, slide down the first four stairs (repeat cycle three times), see laptop, sign for help to open the laptop, fuss if the laptop isn't immediately opened, say "baaaabay" when picture of baby shows up on the laptop screen, beat on laptop keyboard, watch mesmerized at the short videos of the baby being played on the laptop, cry with much drama when laptop is put away and "all gone."

1:30: eat turkey, grapes, cheese ("chs chs"), drink water from straw cup, drop straw cup on ground (repeat times three), change from walking around clothes into daytime clothes.

1:50: load up into MDX, complain if sheepy is not loaded promptly, watch the Wiggles on DVD in car, go to supermarket, smile at each and every person seen, flirt shamelessly with checkout clerk, head home.

2:55: have diaper changed, sign for the video with the "baaaaby" to be played, watch video, become bored with video, look under couch for the laptop, repeat laptop cycle above, see swing outside and point while signing for "help," swing until parent can swing no longer, protest loudly when swinging is "all done," wreslte with Daddy and giggle a deeped-voiced belly giggle,

3:30 pm: have diaper changed, read Goodnight Gorilla, That's Not My Lion, and I Howl I Growl, sign for sheepy, be placed in crib on sheepy, turn on birdies mobile, knock over large stuffed giraffe in room, beat on drum near crib, go to sleep.

4:45 pm: wake up, babble, be removed from crib, have diaper changed, attempt to flee whilst having diaper changed, slide downstairs, sit on counter while bottle of milk is being prepared, throw anything within reach off counter, be placed on ground while milk is being prepared, cry and fuss and cling to Mama's leg after being placed on ground, be picked up by Mama (sucker!) while bottle of milk is being readied, suck down bottle of milk -- refuse to hold bottle, hold various things instead (pens, toys,fingernail clippers.

5:00 pm: play with remote controlled Rocket, walk to stairs, climb up first five stairs, slide down (repeat cycle 4-5 times), climb up stairs, walk into spare bathroom, attempt to get into tub, open all drawers and cupboards and take things out, have diaper changed, be taken into bonus room, play on couch, climb on treadmill, assault various toys and throw them about.

6:30 pm: go downstairs, have another bottle of milk.

7:00 pm: have diaper changed, eat chicken, maybe eat peas - maybe throw them, maybe eat cheese - maybe throw it, maybe eat berries, maybe drizzle them out of mouth, eat bread, maybe eat crackers - maybe crush them in hands, maybe eat broccoli - maybe throw it, give sign for "all done," be given sign for "bath," become exuberant and shake head back and forth expecting parent to sing "bath night song" (which parents dutifully does), grin, be ferried upstairs and undressed, splash and kick in bath making happy sounds, have hair made into horns with shampoo, look at the baby in the mirror and dismantle shampoo horns, drink bathwater, be removed from bath.

7:40 pm: smilingly attempt to flee while being dried off, locate the lotion when Mama asks where it is, have lotion applied while parents sings "the lotion song," flee from room naked liked greased pig, walk around the upstairs naked grinning and leaving every time Mama says its time to put your diaper on, finally be caught and complaint LOUDLY at having diaper and jammies put on, escape diapered and clothed, walk into Mama's room, grin and point at fan and sign "help" until its turned on, go to laundry basket and remove all dirty clothes, point to laundry basket and sign "help," be placed in laundry basket (boat) and happily be drug around by exhausted parent, sign for sheepy to be placed in boat, continue to be drug around by even more exhausted parent, be removed from boat with vehement protestations.

8:15 pm: have diaper changed, sign for sheepy, hold sheepy and suck thumb while reading Goodnight Gorilla, point to the moon on every page and when asked point to the banana ("nana"), turn back the pages repeatedly so they are reread and repointed to, be placed in crib on sheepy, scramble up to turn on birdies modile, fuss slightly when Mama leaves the room, go to sleep.